Oriental bizarre

On the day: 
10/03/2013 

On the way: 
The lady has something of the Disney fox about her, and its not the pillarbox red felt coat. Maybe the turn of the nose, maybe the sparkle in the eye, as she informs her phone: "Through a bizarre mischance, I have a spare Indian takeaway to bring with me for dinner tomorrow."
Bizarre mischance, eh? I'm sure it wasn't as bizarre as, turming left onto your street on your moped, you had a freak fatal coming together with an alsatian-sized civet cat, streaking out of the front gate, carrying a canvas bag slung over its back, and before you could shake the shock to your own system and begin to grieve the passing of the beautiful creature, the figure in front of your very eyes appeared to shimmer and shift and changed its form to that of an expensively dressed, rosy-cheeked blond man in a green suit and a leopard-print tie. 
And at that moment a small family of Asian extraction emerged from the house in a state of some excitement and the mother embraced you and kissed you on both cheeks and the father placed a garland of lotus blossom around your neck and the grandmother wiped tears from her eyes and the two little girls smiled shyly. 
And the father explained that they had been trying to make improvements to their house to sell it at a good price but a cruel property developer, who wanted to buy it cheaply and turn it into a front for an illegal underground Balinese sauna, had stolen their baby son and was extracting cash from them on the promise that if they continued to do so the child would remain safe. So he would come round each Saturday to pick up the money and demand a slap-up meal of Balti chicken at the same time, and giving them time to prepare it, would go off to bank the cash (in unmarked notes, which he would put into a canvas bag) having shifted his shape so no one would recognise him as the head of the PTA at the local Catholic comprehensive, then return for his meal. So that was why they couldn't get the money together to do the necessary renovations to sell. 
But now there he lay before their very eyes, and thank you. And the father picked up the canvas bag and removed several burnished copper ingots and handed them to the children and the grandmother hobbled off to retrieve her grandson from the estate agent on the high street and the mother said they had not much bit how could they repay you? How about giving you the takeaway Balti chicken they had ordered for their tormentor. 
Yes, takeaway. Just because they were a family of Asian extraction didn't mean they necessarily cooked Balti chicken. 
I bet your bizarre mischance wasn't that bizarre.
"Don't be ridiculous," says Natasha, for it is she. "You know I don't have a moped." 

On the pod: 
The Fog - Biffy Clyro 

On the front page: 
Exclusive: Gazza on booze hell - 'I was dead' (The Sun, Sunday)